Mess of Greens

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Blood Orange Cake, Dark Chocolate Ganache and Candied Oranges

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Confession: so, until a few weeks ago I’d never eaten a blood orange. I’d seen them in magazines, and decided they were gorgeous but probably not very yummy since I’ve never really been a fan of oranges anyway. But after tasting them, I’m eating my words these days (AND ALL the blood oranges I can get my hands on). In fact, I celebrated turning 35 by testing out a flavor combination that I was pretty sure would be dynamite… blood oranges and dark chocolate. OH y’all. It’s a grown-up cake for feeling like a real grown up. It takes a few steps but not nearly as many as a Momofuku layer cake and it’s absolutely worth it for a special occasion.

NOTES about this cake: Make sure to make the candied oranges the day before as they take a while to harden

Also, the ganache takes a little while to harden, so plan to put the cake in the fridge after frosting, or wait a few hours.

Lastly, this type of cake dries out quickly.. so if you don’t eat it immediately, make sure to wrap it up tightly and put it in the fridge.


Blood Orange Cake, Dark Chocolate Ganache and Candied Oranges
 
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Recipe type: Dessert
Serves: 1-3 Layer Cake
What You Need
  • CANDIED BLOOD ORANGES
  • 2 blood oranges, scrubbed and sliced into ¼" rounds with the peel on
  • 2 Cups Water
  • 1 Cup sugar
  • 2 Tablespoons Corn syrup
  • 2 tsp Bourbon
  • BLOOD ORANGE CHIFFON CAKE
  • 2 Cups cake flour (leveled)
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • 1½ Cups sugar
  • ½ Cups coconut oil, melted
  • 6 Large eggs, separated
  • ¼ teaspoon cream of tartar
  • Finely grated zest of 4 Blood Oranges
  • 1 Cup fresh orange juice (from the blood oranges. About 4-6 oranges, depending on size)
  • CHOCOLATE GANACHE
  • ¾ bag to 1 entire bag of dark chocolate chips (or 16 oz of other dark chocolate, rough chopped)
  • 1 16 oz can coconut cream, OR 2 Cans of Full Fat coconut milk, unshaken and unemulsified with the cream skimmed off the top
  • 1 Tablespoon blood orange zest
What to Do
  1. FOR the CANDIED BLOOD ORANGES
  2. Boil the water and add the sugar and corn syrup.
  3. Wisk the sugars in the water until dissolved.
  4. Add in the orange slices, not letting them touch one another.
  5. Let them simmer for one hour, and then remove from the water onto a rack. You can either wait 24 hours for them to cool and dry OR put them in a crock pot on low for 4 hours, then in the refrigerator for 1 hour. I imagine 100 degrees in an oven would do the same thing.
  6. FOR the BLOOD ORANGE CHIFFON CAKE
  7. Preheat oven to 325 degrees and oi/flour 3 8" cakepans or 1 10" cake pan.
  8. In a large bowl, whisk the flour, baking powder, salt, and 1 cup sugar together.
  9. Make a well in center of flour mixture.
  10. Add oil, egg yolks, orange zest and juice, and ¼ cup cold water; whisk batter until smooth.
  11. With an electric mixer on medium-high speed, whisk egg whites and cream of tartar until soft peaks form.
  12. Gradually add the remaining ½ cup sugar, 1 tablespoon at a time; continue to beat until stiff peaks form.
  13. Using a spatula, gently fold half of egg-white mixture into batter. Fold in remaining egg-white mixture just until combined.
  14. Pour equal amounts into each cake pan, and bake at 325 degrees for 35 mins or until the top is brown, the sides slightly pull away from the pan and a toothpick comes out clean.
  15. Let cool slightly.
  16. FOR the CHOCOLATE GANACHE
  17. Heat the coconut cream over medium-low heat until it steams.
  18. Add in the chocolate and zest and stir continuously until it has melted entirely and the combination turns a dark, creamy brown.
  19. Remove from heat.
  20. PUT IT TOGETHER
  21. Using a bread knife (or better yet, an electric knife) cut off the tops of each cake until they are entirely flat (it feels sad to loose this much of the cake, but it's how to make it look even).
  22. Spread a thin layer of ganache over the top of each layer and stack each one on top of the other.
  23. Spread a layer of ganache over the sides and top of the cake, let stand for 30 minutes to slightly harden. This will be your "crumb layer" which will serve to keep all the crumbs from mixing with the ganache.
  24. Once the ganache has hardened on the cake slightly, spread another layer on the top and sides of the cake.
  25. Garnish with the candied orange slices. You may serve warm, OR wait until the ganache hardens entirely.
  26. If you wait to eat it, make sure to wrap the cake tightly and put it in the refrigerator since this type of cake dries out quickly. It can also be wrapped tightly in saran wrap and frozen for over a month.

You can see here how the warm ganache seeped into the warm cake… heaven!

Mess of Greens Dip

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2017 was a bittersweet year for me. I lost my mama, but gained a new little boy. I’m looking forward to New Year’s Day as a way to move forward and look for the good in the world.

New Year’s Day (when there’s no hangover involved) has always one of my favorite days of the year. Everything seems new, full of possibilities, everyone sticks close to home, hanging by a fire, watching football, and eating greens, cornbread, and black eyed peas….it’s basically the perfect day for cold icy weather (which the south is getting in spades tonight).

The thing is, I know that not everybody is crazy about the New year’s Day tradition of eating greens for money and black eyed peas for luck.Maybe you’re the kind of person who loves a warm bowl of chili instead while you watch the game. Well, lucky for you, I AM crazy about it, and always try to find new ways to eat my greens & peas. My aunt passed along a version of this recipe to me last year and after seeing how fast it disappeared at my little get together last year, it’s going to be a STAPLE every time. It’s basically spinach-artichoke dip all southerned-up. Once you’ve tasted it, it’ll be on your table every year, too….

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Watermelon Mint Sno-Cones

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  So, it turns out today is National Watermelon Day! I had no idea when my little person and I picked our VERY FIRST homegrown watermelon from the garden yesterday afternoon.

There was just something extra sweet as we bit into the firm, pink flesh, knowing that it had come out of our soil. My plan was to have so many melons that I’d be able to drop them off on friends’ and neighbors’ doorsteps around the county, but most of the best ones were eaten by the bugs or suffered some other misfortune before they were ripe enough to pick. whomp whomp.

Also, ALLLLLL summer long the ONLY two things my uber pregnant self have craved have been ice water and ice cold watermelon. I’m guessing that I bought at least one melon a week for 3 months and nearly ate the whole thing every week BY MYSELF. But now I have MY OWN from MY Garden!

Then I got even greedier… I couldn’t STAND the thought of wasting all that sweet thin layer of fruit and juice that got thrown away with the rind after I’d scooped out everything I could get with a melon-baller. Solution: Homemade New Orleans Style Sno-cones. There’s really nothing that my family likes better in the summertime. We probably go to the sno-cone stand once a week around here.

It’s been that way since high school, when I spent nearly every summer night with a posse of friends standing around outside the local Sno-Biz waiting for the cute guys to finish work there so we could all go out night-swimming or to a late movie. Even now, when I taste a sno-cone I still remember how hot it was and how excited my 16 year old self was when one of those guys would pass me a free sno-cone. (obviously, they had a crush on me as big as the one I had on them, right? ha! unlikely…but 16 year old Biz dreamed.)

Anyway, to do this at home, all it takes is a little mint simple syrup, a lot of leftover watermelon juice, an ice cream  maker and YOWZA. (If I weren’t preggo you can BET YOUR BISCUITS that some tequila or vodka would find its way into one of these babies.)

Watermelon season is winding down, but this super simple recipe is well worth it with the dregs of that one sitting in your fridge right now! The hard part will be NOT eating the entire bowl full. (but it’s homemade and fresh, right, so what’s the harm?)

Watermelon Mint Sno-Cones
 
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Serves: 8
What You Need
  • 4 Cups watermelon juice, chilled
  • 1 Cup granulated sugar
  • 1 Cup water
  • Crushed leaves from 8 mint stalks (so, about ¾ Cup mint leaves)
  • 1 Lime, cut into wedges
What to Do
  1. FOR THE WATERMELON JUICE
  2. Take leftover watermelon juice after using a melon baller and the leftover flesh scooped from the rind and puree, then strain, or just puree'/strain watermelon chunks.
  3. Chill in the refrigerator for at least 1 hour if not already cold.
  4. FOR THE MINT SIMPLE SYRUP
  5. In a small saucepan, boil the water.
  6. When it is rolling, add in the sugar and turn to simmer until it has thickened slightly (2 minutes or so)
  7. Remove from heat and add the mint leaves to steep for 10 minutes.
  8. Strain the leaves from the syrup and store in a jar.
  9. Refrigerate until cool.
  10. FOR THE SNO-CONE
  11. In an ice cream maker, combine the 4 cups chilled watermelon juice and 1 cup of the simple syrup
  12. Freeze using your ice cream maker's specifications.
  13. It's ready when it is fully frozen but NOT lumpy-frozen. that's almost too hard.
  14. Serve with a large lime wedge squeezed over the top.

 

 

 

Amped Up Tomato Gravy

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Tomato Gravy is definitely a southern breakfast thing. I’ve seen it on country-style and rural greasy spoon restaurants ALLLL over, from North Carolina to New Orleans. But, the thing is, I rarely order it because lots of time it takes like Chef Boyardee or thicker V8 Juice. Do you know what I mean? There’s nothing wrong with that but honestly, I LOVE BISCUITS SO MUCH why would I eff up a perfectly good one with fake-tomato goop with butter and a little jam works like a charm.

I’ve been testing recipes out of John Currence’s Big Bad Breakfast cookbook lately that my wonderful Mama-in-law gave me for Christmas, and ALL of the things in there are good…but THIS ONE is probably my favorite. It mixes a creole/cajun roux with bacon grease, FRESH tomatoes and then I replaced dried thyme with fresh basil. It takes a little time, but since I had my biscuit dough in the freezer already from a previous batch it was worth the effort…especially since we had it for supper instead of breakfast. A side of bacon or ham, and Oooooweee!

But tell me..where’s YOUR favorite tomato gravy and what makes it the best? I’d love to have a list of where my next roadtrip breakfast should be!


Amped Up Tomato Gravy
 
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Serves: 5 Cups
What You Need
  • 3 Tablespoons unsalted butter
  • ½ Cup diced onion
  • 1 Tablespoon bacon grease
  • ¼ Cup all-purpose flour
  • 2 Cups cored, seeded, and dice tomatoes
  • salt and black pepper
  • 1 Cup canned crushed tomatoes
  • 4 leaves basil, minced
  • ½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
  • 1½ teaspoons lemon juice (fresh is best)
  • ½ Cup heavy cream
  • ¾ cup green onions, green part chopped only
What to Do
  1. Melt the butter in a saucepan
  2. Cook the onion until transparent
  3. Add the bacon grease/fat and cook until it melts.
  4. Put the flour in and whisk it constantly until a light golden roux forms. (I'm NOT an expert roux maker... my LSU grandmother and Louisiana aunt would frown if they knew). But this one is lighter and doesn't take so long(2 to 3 mins)...just get the flour lightly cooked.
  5. Stir in the fresh tomatoes, season with salt and pepper.
  6. Once the tomatoes begin to cook down, add the canned crushed tomatoes and the seasonings.
  7. Simmer the sauce, stirring occasionally until it thickens some.
  8. Once that happens, add the cream and lemon juice and simmer again, stirring it a lot until it thickens and "coats the back of a spoon".
  9. Take it off the heat and mix in the green onions.
  10. Serve over biscuits immediately, or keep it warm for a couple of hours over a double boiler.
  11. Die because it's so delicious.

 

From the Garden Summer Sub

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My mama had about two things that if they were on a menu, she’d order them without even thinking about it. One was a Reuben, and the other was eggplant ANYTHING.

This year, I grew mama some in my garden…but now she’s not here to enjoy it with me. If she were here, I’d make her this sandwich combining eggplant with all the other things growing in abundance this time of year. I’d add in some creamy cheese, lots of basil, and toasted french bread and together we’d get our faces covered in red sauce, cheese, and summertime.

This isn’t totally my recipe… it’s a riff on my very first food blogger crush, Smitten Kitchen’s ratatouille sub..but focuses exclusively on what grows in my vegetable & herb garden and uses different cheese and spices. As it turns out, no matter how much I like an original recipe, I inherited my dad’s inability to follow one to the letter (well, we CAN do it…but we just always seem to want to do it just a little bit differently to see what happens). It drove my Mama crazy.

Anyway, I’ve been making this sandwich every summer for years with multiple variations–usually about July when we find ourselves elbow deep in homegrown eggplant, zucchini, summer squash and tomatoes—I think it tastes like summer on bread.

Got a plethora of summer garden vegetables? Looking to TASTE summertime? Love eggplant like Mama? This is your gooey, summery, fresh supper tonight (and then lunch again tomorrow!) OR a super easy and divine summer meal for when your friends come over and rather than slave in the kitchen getting everything put together you just want to  watch the kids play and drink G&Ts.

 

From the Garden Summer Sub
 
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Recipe type: Sandwich
Serves: 4-8
What You Need
  • FOR THE SUB FILLING
  • 1-2 thin Eggplant (I'm growing the Japanese kind) cut into thin rounds and halved if they are large
  • 2-3 Summer Squash, cut into thin rounds and halved if they are large
  • 1-2 Zucchini, cut into thin rounds and halved if they are large
  • 3 small Tomatoes, cut into rounds
  • 3 garlic cloves
  • 2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
  • 5 Basil Leaves, chiffonaded
  • 1 Tablespoon chopped fresh Oregano
  • Salt & Pepper to taste
  • FOR THE SANDWICH
  • Burrata Cheese
  • Basil leaves, chiffonaded
  • Salt, Pepper to taste
  • 1-2 Large French Bread loaves, toasted and halved (or quartered)
What to Do
  1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees
  2. Cut up the vegetables.
  3. In a baking dish (ideally round), spread the tomato sauce, stir in the minced garlic, 1 tablespoon of the olive oil, a few pinches of salt and red pepper flakes to taste.
  4. Arrange the slices of eggplant, zucchini, yellow squash and tomatoes so that they overlap.
  5. Drizzle the remaining olive oil, another layer of tomato sauce, and basil & oregano.
  6. Bake for 1 hour.
  7. Split the sub rolls and warm up for 5 minutes in the oven or bake according to package directions.
  8. Once the bread is ready, layer the vegetables on top of your rolls, spread the cheese, and sprinkle salt & pepper and basil.

 

Fig & Blueberry Coffee Cake

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So, this post is late as fig week has been over for awhile, but I can’t resist because this was the kind of cake that was super easy and so good that I kept sneaking back to slice just one more teeeeeeny sliver. But then I had slivered so much cake that there was only one full piece left, so my boys were pretty bent out of shape with me.

It’s also so simple that I after talking about the edits to the recipe that I’d made, I left baking in the hands of my honey and little dude. Brett doesn’t LOVE cooking (and I don’t think I’ve ever known him to bake ANYTHING) but Wagner does love being in the kitchen, so while I ran to the grocery store one weekend, they made this. I came home to a kitchen COVERED in flour and two worn out fellas. But y’all….usually it takes me way more than one try to get a recipe right, (especially baked stuff) but they NAILED it. Maybe I need to turn MoG over to my boys?

Anyway, for a (probably) first time baker and his toddler sous chef, this coffee cake was a hit. I LOVED it and thought it made the perfect just-sweet-enough coffee cake for midmorning (or afternoon…or after dinner…or instead of lunch) snack time. 😉 Let me know what you think!

BTW, This cake is based on one from Food & Wine but I replaced raspberries with local blueberries (since raspberries seem to like cooler weather than what we have in south MS) and lime zest/juice with orange. You could also probably sub lemon juice since lemons and blueberries go together like batman & robin.


Blueberry, Fig Coffee Cake
 
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Recipe type: Brunch, Dessert
Serves: 6-8
What You Need
  • ⅛ Cup flour, for dusting pan
  • ¼ Tablespoon butter, for dusting pan
  • 1½ cups granulated sugar
  • 3 large eggs
  • 1 stick unsalted butter, melted
  • Finely grated zest of 1large oranges or 3 mini ones
  • 1½ cups all-purpose flour
  • Juice of 1 small orange or ¼ large one
  • ½ pint blueberries
  • 4 figs, cut into eighths, or additional ½ pint blueberries
  • Confectioners' sugar, for dusting
What to Do
  1. Preheat the oven to 350.
  2. Butter a 9-inch springform pan and coat with flour to keep the batter from sticking.
  3. In a mixer fitted with the batter attachment, beat the sugar and eggs at high speed until fluffy, about 2 minutes.
  4. Beat in the butter and two-thirds of the zest.
  5. At low speed, alternately beat in the flour and orange juice until almost incorporated, then fold with a spatula until it's smooth.
  6. Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the surface.
  7. Gently press in the blueberries and figs.
  8. Bake the cake on the bottom third of the oven for 40ish minutes.
  9. Transfer to the upper third of the oven and continue baking for about 35 minutes more, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
  10. Run a thin knife around the edge and release the springform and place the cake on a rack to cool.
  11. When you're ready to serve, dust the cake with confectioners' sugar and sprinkle with the remaining zest, then cut into wedges.

 

Sweet and Savory Fig Toasts

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Fig week 2k17 continues folks!

So I never really understood the “Toast” phenomenon. I mean, WHOLE restaurants dedicated to what is basically an open-faced sandwich?

But you know, I DO get that sometimes two pieces of bread is too much for your sandwich ingredients and other times the food is just too pretty to cover up. My Pregnant lady brunch (prunch?)– which is basically an extra meal between breakfast and lunch since my belly is waaaaaay too big for regular sized meals these days– the other day was both of those things. Pretty AND light. Two pieces of toast would have overwhelmed it all. What I loved about this (beyond how yummy honey, figs, burrata, and a sprinkle of kosher salt was) was that the only real cooking involved was toasting the french bread, so this could be a fancy breakfast, a light lunch, or a killer appetizer.


Sweet and Savory Fig Toasts
 
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Recipe type: Appetizer
Serves: 6-10
What You Need
  • ¼ or ½ loaf of French Bread, sliced into rounds
  • 4-8 Figs, sliced in half
  • 1-3 Pouches Burrata cheese, cut open
  • 2-4 basil leaves, Chiffonade (or cut into ribbons)
  • 3 Tablespoons (or more!) Honey
  • Kosher Salt or Sea Salt
What to Do
  1. Toast the French Bread rounds until crispy.
  2. Spread with creamy Burrata cheese.
  3. Top with sliced ripe figs and place on the cheese.
  4. Sprinkle Basil ribbons.
  5. Drizzle honey. Season with kosher salt or sea salt and devour!

burnt fig, burrata, fresh greens salad

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Well, y’all, if I could eat this salad every day for lunch, I probably would. It was creamy, and sweet, and tart…. why can’t we eat fresh figs year round? (well, I guess we could but they probably wouldn’t taste the same, right?)

Also, let me be clear, I don’t like to make salads at home. I always want WAY TOO many “toppings” and by the time I’ve cut it all up, or mixed up the dressings or roasted the almonds I’m too tired to eat it. This salad, that I modified from one I read about in Food & Wine though, was easy and SO fine. The freshness of the ingredients matters here, so you don’t need a ton of them to make something that will make you feel like you’re a Roman Goddess laying on a chaise lounge by a fountain eating the finest food.

A note on ingredients: now, I live in South Mississippi…and it’s safe to say that Burrata cheese isn’t really *easy* to find, and when you can find it, it’s kind of on the expensive side. It is Worth the expense? If you love creamy, fresh, mild mozzarella, then um, 100% Yes. However, down here no one seems to want it or want to pay for it, so I’ve noticed that the grocery store that carries it always has to mark it down a few days before its expiration date. Uh, NO PROBLEM for me as it doesn’t last longer than a day in my house anyway. ;)I can’t tell you which grovery store as you might come steal my stash, but safe to say, look for the bargains if $4.00 seems like a little too much to pay for cheese. Also, worst case scenario (which isn’t all that bad) use fresh mozzarella. The flavor is the similar though the texture is real different.


burnt fig, burrata
 
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Recipe type: Salad
Serves: 2
What You Need
  • 3 Cups mixed greens
  • ½ Cup Burrata (or more) broken apart
  • 10 fresh figs, halved
  • ½ Tablespoon butter
  • 3 Tablespoons granulated sugar
  • 3 Tablespoons olive oil
  • 2 Tablespoons fresh lemon juice
  • Kosher Salt and Fresh black pepper
What to Do
  1. Slice the figs and dip the inside into the sugar, covering the flat side.
  2. In a cast iron skillet, melt the butter until it sizzles.
  3. Place the figs cut side down into the butter and cook, without touching, until the sugar is dark brown and starts to smoke a little. The figs will be soft.
  4. While the figs are cooking, place/arrange the greens and burrata on plates.
  5. Mix the lemon juice and olive oil together.
  6. When the figs are ready, put them on top of the greens and drizzle with the olive oil/lemon juice dressing.
  7. Sprinkle with salt and fresh ground pepper to taste.
  8. Eat immediately

 

Roasted Fig and Whiskey Puree’

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So, let’s dive into fig week 2017, shall we? In my opinion, during the summer (and in some parts of the world, fall), there are two kinds of people…. those folks with a fig tree or two in their backyard, and those without. If you HAVE a fig tree, then you get gallons of figs to eat, make into preserves, and do just about whatever you want with them until your sated and maybe a little too full. If you don’t (like me), well, then you have to rely on the kindness of friends with fig trees or farmer’s stands to get your fig-fix. Here’s something to know about keeping them as long as possible.

Once you’ve picked or bought them, DO NOT WASH THEM. Put them in an open tupperware container with a paper towel on the bottom to wick away moisture, and leave them in the fridge. I’ve learned the hard way that if you leave figs on the counter then they melt into goo VERY VERY fast, so don’t make that mistake of your summertime fruit-gold.

But then, once you have them (or if you have a zillion pounds of them) what do you do? I’ve got lots of ideas here, but this morning my little dude craved pancakes, so I pulled out a recipe and went to town. But instead of basic syrup or  powdered sugar, we made a super quick and easy roasted fig and bourbon puree’ and drizzled the pancakes with honey. It was DIVINE…sweet, rich, and made silver dollar pancakes seem so fancy with minimal effort. My little person didn’t get the puree’ (even though all but the whiskey flavor had cooked out in the oven), but the honey and fresh figs were a HIT. If pancakes aren’t on deck for you, try this mixed into vanilla or plain greek yogurt, over ice cream, or just in spoonfuls. It’ll keep in your fridge for just under a week.


Roasted Fig and Whiskey Puree'
 
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Serves: 4-6
What You Need
  • 20 to 25 Fresh figs, washed & cut in half
  • 3 Tablespoons Unsalted butter
  • 3 Tablespoons Honey (local is always better!)
  • 2 tsp lemon zest
  • 1.5 tablespoons whiskey (I used bourbon)
What to Do
  1. Preheat your oven to 375.
  2. Slice your figs in half and place them in a roasting pan or glass baking dish, spreading them out evenly.
  3. In a small saucepan, melt the butter.
  4. Add in the Honey and cook until they've combined.
  5. Add the whisky into the hot honey/butter mixture.
  6. Pour it all over your figs and lightly roll them in the mixture so all the sides are covered.
  7. Roast the figs for about 15 minutes or until they are bubbly and very soft.
  8. Let cool for a few minutes and then puree' with an emulsion blender or regular blender.
  9. Serve on top of pancakes for a very grownup breakfast, over ice cream, mixed into yogurt with granola, or just eat it by the spoonful.
  10. Store in a small tupperware container or in a jar in the refridgerator for just under a week.

 

My mama loved figs.

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I lost my mama two months ago today.

I haven’t been able to write much about her. Even thank you notes to all of the wonderful friends who shared their love, traveled to be with us, cooked us meals, sent flowers to surround us, helped us with her memorial service, or donated to her favorite charities in her honor have been so hard to write.

One night the week she died I wrote this on my facebook wall… I wanted to share it here so y’all could know even a tiny bit about my mama and how she influenced me (and shaped this blog).

I can’t express how much comfort it has brought me to know that so many of you knew and loved Mama. This week I’ve been a wreck and a mess…I lost my best friend, north star, compass.
Lots of people have shared with me how creativity was a defining characteristic of Mama. Make a beautiful, fascinating life-like insect out of seed pods, leaves, and twigs? Capture a moment in time through a portrait of your children in oil that you’ll treasure forever? Sew an ENTIRE set of bedding for her first grandson’s new room and daybed that fit like a glove and is more perfect than anything from a store? Make a dwarf pomegranate seed grow and finally twist itself up a thin wire trellis (AND still produce fruit!)? She did all of those things because her little hands and her genius mind could construct, stitch, paint, draw, write, design, grow, or arrange just about anything they wanted to as well as any master of any trade.
But the thing about her that people have remembered that she would–deep down–be most proud of, is that you noticed how sincerely and thoughtfully she considered other people and what they needed. My daddy and I were almost always half frustrated by my mama’s need to have everything “just-so.” My dad has always said our home has “those little touches that make a home a hospital” because mama always has kept it clean, straight, disinfected, and ready for the white-glove treatment at any and every moment. We had more silly harangues about whether or not various other things in my life have been up to snuff.
Even over this past year and a half, when she’s felt truly, horribly rotten, Mama got up and 98% of time, put on makeup and real clothes and fixed her hair, even just to sit on the couch, needlepoint, and have lunch with us. When musing on this on Tuesday, someone said of mama, “And that was NEVER vanity. It was sheer discipline and a sincere, deep consideration for others.” He was right. As a mama, as a friend, as a wife, and a human being in this world, my mama always put other people’s needs before her own. She wanted every person who came through her door to know they were special, important, valuable, and wanted to encourage them, celebrate them, listen to them. Everyone deserved her absolute best self, her highest effort. Inconveniencing someone else, asking for help, seeming down or disheartened (and in doing so, causing worry) just wasn’t something she was willing to do.
If you’ve seen her these past two years, knew she’d beaten cancer and then heard that she was suddenly gone, you might not understand how someone who “looked so great” and “always had a smile” could have been in such trouble… and the answer is that she considered you worth treating with care and love, and wanted you to feel hope and joy instead of something else. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for her, but I also know that a crazy internal strength and tenacity was what kept her going every day. I hope knowing that she cared for you and thought you deserved her very absolute best will make you smile. And then if she let her guard down even one 1/10 of an millimeter and shared a glimmer of how she might be actually doing with this crazy other disease that arose after the cancer, well, then that’s a sign she cared for you, too.
While these past two years have been the hardest of my mama’s life– she didn’t feel like painting, couldn’t garden, wasn’t able to do much toodeling around town–it was, selfishly, the very closest time together for me in our 34 years together. Just like all mothers and daughters there’s always been a little bit of “Why can’t you be JUST like me?– Wait, No! Be better, be more!” and “I want to be JUST like you! But also I really want to be myself which means the very opposite of everything you think you stand for!” But my fear of losing Mama brought me home, and we have been closer than ever, in proximity, but also in mind and spirit. Not only did I learn more about mothering from her example this year and a half, but I had a chance to be the kind of daughter I always wanted to be for her. It’s been a crazy gift. I wanted more time with her– so, so much more time– and I’m hurting now, but if there is a silver lining, it’s that now she’s whole, and has been healed and is probably out there digging in the dirt and smearing paint around as we speak just like she would want.
I don’t know that I’ll ever be even half of the mother my mama was-because 2/3 of the time I feel like a trainwreck-but I’m absolutely going to try. Her example is worth living up to and I can see it out there like a lighthouse in the fog. But right now there’s so much fog. When you tell me about what you remember of her, or when you see something in me that reminds you (even ever so faintly) of her, it will keep me going. Two days in and I can already tell you I’m going to need it.
We’re going to celebrate and remember Mama at St. John’s Episcopal Church on Saturday May 13th at 4 (Because she wouldn’t have wanted to interrupt the middle of anyone else’s Saturday plans but would have wanted to make it easy for friends from elsewhere to be with us and not miss work). If you are around and want to help us be joyful and find some peace, please join us…but if you can’t make it, then please just say a prayer and toast to creativity, strength, and caring for other people–and maybe that’ll bring even more of those things into the world.

I’m still feeling a lot of the things I wrote in this post two months ago, but I’m starting to have some peace. Mostly because I’m starting to find my way by getting back into doing the things she and I loved… one of those things was fresh figs. Last year I celebrated her cancer-free diagnosis with them because they were one of two foods she could eat the previous summer during chemo. Mess of Greens did a week of fig recipes, and this week since it’s fig season around these parts, I’ll post as many more good ones as I can come up with. If you make one, let me know!